Wednesday, February 13, 2008

I need a butler

I've been watching the TV movie Bernard and Doris, which is about Doris Duke and her odd relationship with her odd butler, Bernard Lafferty. Susan Sarandon and Ralph Fiennes play the leading characters. Sarandon is divine; I hope I can be half as fabulous as she is when I'm that age. Fiennes gives me the creepy-crawlies, and he always has. I almost didn't watch the movie because he's in it.


While watching the movie, I had a revelation: I need a butler. My life would be so much easier if I just had someone to run it for me. My butler would keep my schedule, make sure my laundry was back from the dry-cleaners, answer the phones, and just keep me pulled together, all the while being calm and polite and unobtrusive.

I have women friends who joke that they need wives for this reason, but really, I want a butler. I want it to be someone with whom I have no connection other than employee-employer and the only obligation I have to him is financial. And it has to be an Irishman, preferrably not a creepy one like Fiennes.

Really, I don't see why "stay at home moms" can't have a personal assistant of some sort. I've had assistants in my professional life who helped run things at the office. Heck, I've been an assistant. B has two assistants at his office - although I did threaten him with divorce if he ever sends one of his assistants to buy me a birthday, anniversary or Christmas gift on his behalf. So why can't I - a mother of three with a part-time freelance job - have one, too? Being a mother is more than a full-time job, and lord knows I could use some help.

B has said that if we ever have the money we'll hire someone to come in once a week to cook and do laundry so that I can spend more time on the kids and volunteering. I've argued against that idea for a long time, but now I think I can get behind it. I'll just make sure we hire me a butler.


Damsel said...

The BEST thing I've ever done is realize that it's okay if I'm not the one scrubbing our toilets. (It's dumb, I know, but somehow I thought I wasn't loving my family enough if I didn't.) I pay someone to come scrub my house every other week. Fifty bucks a pop, and it's worth every. red. cent. You should really try it! :)

hokgardner said...

I do have a housekeeper who comes every other week. I'm looking for someone to help me keep my act together on a day-to-day basis.

Anonymous said...

I'm with you right there, though I could use the housekeeper, too.

Seamus O'Pine said...

OooooooH! I wanna be your butler.

O'Pine is a fine old Irish name. "Erin go Bra-less." See, I even speak pidgin Irish.

And i could dress like a fat, bald leprechaun!! I'm liking this more by the minute. Do you provide insurance? 401K?

Is there an online application?

Truth be told, if I were going to have a butler, I'd want one like Hank Azaria's character in The Birdcage, Agador Spartacus.