Miss Elizabeth Anne Gardner Has Arrived!

This is a guest post by knittergran, grandmother of hokgardner's new daughter!

Elizabeth Anne was born at 10:38 last night (Sunday evening), and weighs four pounds, fifteen ounces.
(Eat, girl, eat!)

Yes, she was four weeks early, but hokgardner went into hard labor and the doctor said there was a reason for that and that it was time for Elizabeth to meet everyone.
hokgardner is doing fine, considering, but wants MORE DRUGS please, and Elizabeth (isn't that just the loveliest name!) is now breathing regular air rather than air with oxygen added. She needs to meet three requirements in order to come home:

1. Breathe completely on her own.
2. Eat via her mouth rather than through a tube.
3. Maintain her own body temperature.

She is currently in NICU, but not in an incubator, so that's a good sign, and she's well enough that her big sisters are visiting her this afternoon. They have to scrub up in order to meet her, and I'm sure the solemnity of all of that will quite impress them. Lily, in fact, announced no fewer than four times at breakfast that SHE had wished for a girl and that's what they have gotten.

The new mother of four will be back blogging soon, I'm sure, but wanted you all to know about the newest Gardner! Pictures to follow....

Confinement

Back in the olden days - this encompasses everything from the era of Henry VIII to the Victorian era - women who were pregnant had a period of confinement, or lying in, prior to the birth of a child. The length of time varied according to the era and its traditions, but it always involved the woman's being confined to the house, sometimes to a special room, to rest and read and make things for the baby. Of course, this tradition was limited to women who were wealthy enough to have staff and servants to keep the house running.

Right now, I'm thinking I'd like that tradition to make a come back. I am feeling lousy these days. There's nothing really wrong with me; I'm just 35 weeks' pregnant and I'm worn out and feeling a bit blue. I'd like nothing more to hide away in my room for the next four weeks and sleep and read and knit and sleep some more.

But alas, that can't be. We don't have staff, and as I found out a few weeks ago when I was sick in bed for two days, the house kind of falls apart without me. I have three kids and a husband (who is very helpful, really) to look after. There's carpooling and work projects and laundry and groceries. Plus there are the extra things I want to get done in the house, like cleaning out my closet and reorganizing the pantry and pulling out the kids' fall-ish clothes.

Since I can't confine myself to my room for four weeks, I'll sneak bits of rest when I can. But it's going to be a long four weeks.

I hate insurance companies

B and I are both self-employed, which means we are self-insured. We pay a pretty large premium each month for so-so coverage and a large deductible. Our insurance plan does not cover pregnancy or delivery, which means we're paying everything for Baby Bee out of pocket. We had to pay out of pocket for Campbell, but because I had to have an emergency c-section, insurance did cough up for part of it. At any rate, this pregnancy and delivery will cost us somewhere in the neighborhood of $12,000, and that's including the 20% discount my OB offered since we paid up front for her services.

Last week I received a letter from Blue Cross Blue Shield touting this new FREE BENEFIT they're offering pregnant women. It's called something like Healthy Start, and basically all it involves is assigning me an OB nurse who will call and check in with me every few weeks to see how the pregnancy is going, answer any questions, and make sure I'm getting the appropriate pre-natal care. I ripped up the letter and threw it in the trash.

Wednesday afternoon I got a call from a BCBS rep checking to see if I had received the letter and asking whether I was interested enrolling in the FREE BENEFIT. She kept stressing what a great program it was - and did she mention it was FREE. I told her I'd be a whole lot more impressed if BCBS would actually cover my pregnancy and delivery. That stumped her for a moment, but then she got back on script about what a great service they were offering by providing guidance throughout my pregnancy - for FREE. I told her it was my 4th pregnancy and I pretty much knew what I was doing at this point. She paused again before getting back on script, asking for the third time if I wanted to enroll in this FREE BENEFIT. I answered that I only have 8 weeks to go, so they're a little late with the offer. At that point she gave up and ended the call.

I just found the whole thing insulting. They are offering this FREE BENEFIT like it's something I should be so grateful for, when it's nothing more than a couple of phone calls from a nurse. BCBS is touting it as a way to help women have healthy pregnancies and full-term babies, but really it's nothing more than a cost-saving effort on their part. The more healthy pregnancies and safe deliveries, the less money they have to pay out in claims later on. Not that having regular calls from a nurse would have prevented my emergency c-section with Campbell. No phone call in the world would have stopped him from flipping breech three days before he was born.

There is the chance that I'm being cynical and unfair. Maybe BCBS really does care and really does want to to help pregnant women, no ulterior financial motives involved.

Fat chance.

Doctor woes

I had a doctor's appointment first thing this morning, and I was so frustrated I was almost in tears by the end of it.

My doctor, Dr. L., who delivered Lily and Campbell, is wonderful. She's a kind, caring person, and I have complete trust in her. And until this morning, I've only ever had one complaint about a staff member at her office, and when she heard about my complaint, Dr. L. called me to apologize and take care of the issue.

The problem is that she is on indefinite leave from the office because of some serious health issues. I knew about this the last time I went in and saw her lead nurse practitioner, whom I trust as much as I do Dr. L. When I finished my appointment last time, the nurse practitioner told me we'd figure out a game plan for the rest of my pregnancy and my delivery, which is going to be a c-section, at today's appointment.

The problem is that I saw one of the other nurse practitioners today, and she acted like I was insane when I relayed what the other nurse practitioner said.

Here's part of our conversation.

RNP: We'll set your c-section date when we get a week away from your due date.
HOK: Ummm, Dr. L. and M (the other RNP) told me that we'd be putting my c-section on the calendar at 20 weeks, which didn't happen. And M told me at my last appointment that we'd put it on the calendar today.
RNP: No, that's not how we do things. We'll set it a week out with whichever doctor is on the schedule to work that day.
HOK: But what if I want to pick which doctor does my surgery.
RNP: Well, you certainly have the right to do that.
HOK: Does that mean I should look at switching to one of the other doctors in the group?
RNP: Well, you certainly have the right to do that.
HOK: Is there one in particular you can recommend?
RNP: You'll need to go to our Web site and look at all the doctors and make your choice that way.

The RNP also kept saying that I only needed to see a doctor once a trimester, and my saying that it's already been almost a trimester since I saw Dr. L didn't have any effect on her. I gave up at that point because I was about to get hysterical.

When I stopped at the appointment desk on my way out, I asked for an appointment with Dr. C. One of my best friends who is in the same position has switched to her, and I have another friend who has seen her for three challenging pregnancies and three c-sections. I have an appointment in three weeks. I asked the appointment scheduler if I was allowed to come back as a patient if Dr. L's health issues cleared up and she returned to practicing. She assured me that I could.

I suppose I'm especially touchy about this because it's not the first time it's happened. When I was 6 months' pregnant with Ella, my OB was diagnosed with MS and had to shut down her practice. I switched to one of her on-call partners based on the recommendation of a friend, and I ended up hating the doctor and her whole staff, except the nurse practitioner, but I wasn't allowed to just see her for the remainder of the pregnancy, no matter how much I begged.

I'm really afraid of having a repeat situation, even though I know it's not likely. Plus I feel terribly selfish for being upset at having to switch doctors when Dr. L is facing the possible end of her medical career. I just need to suck it up.

But still . . . I am upset and worried.

Blurg

People keep asking how I'm feeling, and I'm sure they're getting tired of my answer, because it's always the same - awful. I do my best to smile when I say it, in the hopes that if I look cheerful, I'll feel better. But it's not working.

Last week was a bit better. I didn't feel queasy in the mornings, but I could set my watch by the arrival of the 4:30 nausea express every afternoon. I was hopeful that the fact that I wasn't sick in the mornings was a sign that the nausea was easing up, but no such luck. This week I'm back to all-day queasiness.

Blurg.

Friends and strangers alike have been offering me all sorts of advice on ways to quell the nausea, but believe me, I've tried them all. The funniest was a male friend offering tips on how to deal with the queasiness. His wife saw the look in my eyes and dragged him away. It's a good thing she did, because as much as I like the man, I was about to lose it. What does a man know about morning sickness?

I also get frustrated talking to some of my running friends, none of whom have ever dealt with the level of nausea that I have. Some have the attitude that I should just eat some crackers and get over it all ready. If only it were that easy.

When I was pregnant with Lily and Campbell, my nausea ended somewhere between 14 and 15 weeks, and it stopped over night. I'm hoping the same thing happens this time - that a switch will flip and I'll feel better. But since I'm only 11 weeks along, that means I still have 3 to 4 weeks left of misery.

Blurg

FAQs

In addition to e-mails and comments full of support in the wake of my announcement last week, I've received a lot of questions. Here are some of them.

Is this baby going to be the caboose?
Actually, Campbell was supposed to be the caboose. While we had at times discussed a fourth, we weren't serious about it for a number of reasons. First, our house. We live in a 1600 square foot, 3-bedroom, 2-bath house that's already crowded. We really don't want to move, and we're not in the financial position to put on addition. So this baby is going to make things more crowded. Second, our health insurance. Because we're self-insured, our policy doesn't cover pregnancy and delivery. We're looking at a tab of about $12,000 to $15,000 for this baby. There go any plans we had to re-do the kitchen or put hardwood floors in the back of the house.

So yes, this baby will be the caboose. I've already opted to have my tubes tied during delivery.

Don't you know where babies come from?
No, even after four pregnancies, it's still a mystery to us. Enlighten me, please.

When are you due?
My due date is November 10, but given that I have to have a c-section thanks to Campbell, we'll be setting my delivery date at about 20 weeks.

Are you going to find out?
Nope. We haven't found out with any of the other kids, and neither of us see a reason to start now. It's already alien to me that we'll know so far in advance the date and time of the baby's birth.

Do you have a preference?
Not really. Although it would be nice for Campbell to have a little brother to be his partner in crime. The girls are so close that I'd like Campbell to have the same experience. But really, I'm fine either way.

Have you picked names yet?
No, we're stumped on names. I'm still lobbying for Tallulah, but I don't think I'm going to get my wish, even as a middle name. We both kind of feel like we've run through all the good family names, and my sister has given me a list of family middle names that I'm not allowed to use. She says it's not fair that I get the good names like Ella and Campbell just because I had babies first. So in the interest of fairness I'm taking Robertson and Evelyn and O'Keeffe off our list.

How have people reacted?
The reactions have been pretty entertaining. The folks I've told in person haven't been able to hide their shock. One neighbor burst out laughing. I told another friend when we were running, and she came to such an abrupt stop that I thought she was going to fall over. Another close friend dropped everything she was holding and gave me the biggest hug.

My mother had one of her classic reactions. She said, "You're having another baby? But you'll have to have another c-section. That's major surgery you know." Um, no, I hadn't noticed that last time. I just loved that she went straight to the dangers of surgery instead of excitement about another grandbaby.

I had a Danskin Triathlon committee meeting last night - this will be the fourth time I'll have worked the race while pregnant - and everyone there has worked on the race as long as I have. When word filtered down the table that I was pregnant, they all had the same reaction - a shocked expresion followed by the same question, "Pregnant? Again?"

Once everyone has gotten over the initial shock, they have been universally supportive and encouraging. The responses have reminded me how fortunate we are in our family and friends.

Do you have any of your maternity clothes and baby gear left?
Nope. I have one maternity tank top and one maternity bathing suit left from last time, and that's it. I gave away our infant car seat about six months ago. But a friend has a crib we'll be able to use, and I still have our cradle - I was saving it for grandbabies to use. I've also given away all of my gender-neutral newborn clothing. I'll essentially be provisioning as though this is my first baby. But at least I'll get the fun of buying tiny baby clothes again.

Feeling better?
The mornings are better, nausea-wise, and I've been able to get out and run several mornings a week, even if I have slowed to a snail's pace. The afternoons, however, are still really hard. The nausea kicks in at about 4:30, and snacks of ginger ale and saltines don't do anything to help. I'm also still tired all the time.

How about the varicose veins you had with Campbell?
They're getting bigger by the day. I'm going to have to start wearing my lovely support knee-highs soon - just in time for the heat of the summer.

So there you are - everything you could possibly want to know and then some.

Blown away

I am absolutely blown away by the comments and e-mails I've received in response to my post on Tuesday. I was very nervous about putting my real feelings about this surprise baby out there for the world to see. Knowing how the blogosphere can be sometimes, I was preparing myself for some flames, for people to tell me I was a horrible person for not being overjoyed about an unexpected pregnancy.

Instead I received nothing but support, love and kindness. It was a relief to know that I'm not the only mother to feel this way and that is is OK to not be excited right away.

I'm still adjusting to the turn my life is taking, but being able to let go of some of the guilt I've been carrying for four weeks about how I feel has made a world of difference to me.

So thank you to everyone who commented and e-mailed. You helped me more than you can know.

This is not an April Fool's joke

So about four weeks ago all my plans for the coming year got thrown out the window. My goal of running the New York City Marathon? Gone. My anticipation of having Ella and Lily at school all day and Campbell at preschool two mornings a week? Gone. My plans for taking on more freelance work? Gone.

Why?

Because I'm pregnant with baby number four. To say that this was a surprise would be an understatement. I'm still having trouble saying "pregnant" out loud - it's like if I say it, it will actually be true.

The pregnancy test turned positive immediately - no need to wait three minutes for the results. I left it on the counter in the bathroom and went back several times during the day to check to see if it had suddenly turned negative - because they do that you know. Or not.

B was in meetings all day, so I couldn't get in touch with him to share the news. I had the whole day to sit and stew and cry. I finally was able to tell him late that afternoon, after our meeting to refinance our lake place. His reaction? "Holy f*ck, Wally!" Then he asked if I was sure he was the father. I kicked him in the shins. But since then he's been a rock. Every time I melt down in despair about having a fourth child when I can barely cope with three, he's there with reassurances that everything will be OK and we'll figure it all out together.

As much as I have joked in the past about wanting to have more babies, I didn't really mean it. I'm fine with three kids. Before we had Campbell, I insisted that someone was missing from our family. Once Campbell arrived, I felt like we were complete. There isn't anyone missing.

And all of these feelings of stress and anxiety make me feel even worse than the constant morning sickness. I mean, how can I not be excited about a new baby? I love babies. Babies are wonderful!

But I was so close to having that part of my life over with, and I was looking forward to it. I was going to have two whole mornings a week without children in the house. I was going to be able to get my hair cut or go to the dentist or go to work meetings without having to hire a sitter. I was going to be able to volunteer more at the girls' school without having to hire a sitter. I was counting down to the end of having diapers and sippy cups in the house.

Now I get to start all over.

All of those mixed emotions were compounded by the fact that I found out about the baby the same week my grandmother died. I fell apart one day when I realized I didn't get the chance to tell her that she was going to have a fourth great-grandbaby. My dear friend H consoled me by saying that my grandmother's spirit was whispering all sorts of secrets to the baby already. That just made me cry more.

We told the girls earlier this week. They did cartwheels around the kitchen while screeching with excitement. Ella kisses my belly several times a day and keeps asking when the baby will be big enough to hear her read stories to it. I'm trying to share their excitement, but it's hard.

I know that once they put that tiny, pink, screaming bundle in my arms I'll be just fine. I'll rejoice in the miracle that is a new baby.

I may not be able to rejoice until then, however. At least not until I stop feeling queasy and tired 24 hours a day.