Odds and ends

My mom, knittergran, knit this adorable jacket for Elizabeth. Check out her blog for more details on the knitting of it - it's called the Elizabeth Zimmerman Surprise Jacket, and the surprise is that it is knit in all one piece. I took a picture of it next to a book so you could get an idea of how small it is.
As small as the jacket is, it's still much bigger than Elizabeth. But at the rate she's eating, I'm sure she'll grow into it in no time. And after watching my mom knit the jacket, I'm tempted to make one, too.
The poor guys - they are so outnumbered. B knows he is; Campbell hasn't figured it out yet.
Ella's top three teeth have been loose for ages. The tooth to the left of her front teeth fell out last Sunday, and she looked really goofy. But it got worse last night when her right front tooth fell out while she was at a slumber party. One friend's father said it looked like Ella had been in a fight. Ella was mostly just excited that the Tooth Fairy found her at the slumber party and left her a dollar. I'm just happy that the party Tooth Fairy pays the same rate for teeth as the normal Tooth Fairy.

Miss Elizabeth Anne Gardner Has Arrived!

This is a guest post by knittergran, grandmother of hokgardner's new daughter!

Elizabeth Anne was born at 10:38 last night (Sunday evening), and weighs four pounds, fifteen ounces.
(Eat, girl, eat!)

Yes, she was four weeks early, but hokgardner went into hard labor and the doctor said there was a reason for that and that it was time for Elizabeth to meet everyone.
hokgardner is doing fine, considering, but wants MORE DRUGS please, and Elizabeth (isn't that just the loveliest name!) is now breathing regular air rather than air with oxygen added. She needs to meet three requirements in order to come home:

1. Breathe completely on her own.
2. Eat via her mouth rather than through a tube.
3. Maintain her own body temperature.

She is currently in NICU, but not in an incubator, so that's a good sign, and she's well enough that her big sisters are visiting her this afternoon. They have to scrub up in order to meet her, and I'm sure the solemnity of all of that will quite impress them. Lily, in fact, announced no fewer than four times at breakfast that SHE had wished for a girl and that's what they have gotten.

The new mother of four will be back blogging soon, I'm sure, but wanted you all to know about the newest Gardner! Pictures to follow....

Baby clothes

So it turns out that when you're 35 weeks' pregnant with your fourth child and you think you're past getting excited about baby gear, you can still get all mushy over tiny baby clothes.

My mom, otherwise known as knittergran, went a little nuts at the store the other day and bought a bunch of baby clothes for Baby Bee. The box arrived Monday, and I sat on the floor oohing and aaahing over all of it. There's a particularly sweet little fuzzy jacket with ears on the hood that sent me into raptures. B watched me unpack the box and rolled his eyes the whole time.

The girls were just as excited about the box of stuff. They spent quite a while looking everything over and exclaiming about how tiny it all is. Even though they both remember when Campbell was born, they don't have any recollection of just how tiny he was as a new baby. They're going to be pretty surprised when the finally see Baby Bee.

Speaking of seeing Baby Bee, I get to have another ultrasound in two weeks. I'm measuring small, so the doctor wants to take a peek. On the one hand, it will be nice to see the baby. On the other, our stupid #()*@(*# insurance doesn't cover ultrasounds, so I know I'll be coughing up a big chunk of change for the chance to see the baby.

Blown away

I am absolutely blown away by the comments and e-mails I've received in response to my post on Tuesday. I was very nervous about putting my real feelings about this surprise baby out there for the world to see. Knowing how the blogosphere can be sometimes, I was preparing myself for some flames, for people to tell me I was a horrible person for not being overjoyed about an unexpected pregnancy.

Instead I received nothing but support, love and kindness. It was a relief to know that I'm not the only mother to feel this way and that is is OK to not be excited right away.

I'm still adjusting to the turn my life is taking, but being able to let go of some of the guilt I've been carrying for four weeks about how I feel has made a world of difference to me.

So thank you to everyone who commented and e-mailed. You helped me more than you can know.

This is not an April Fool's joke

So about four weeks ago all my plans for the coming year got thrown out the window. My goal of running the New York City Marathon? Gone. My anticipation of having Ella and Lily at school all day and Campbell at preschool two mornings a week? Gone. My plans for taking on more freelance work? Gone.

Why?

Because I'm pregnant with baby number four. To say that this was a surprise would be an understatement. I'm still having trouble saying "pregnant" out loud - it's like if I say it, it will actually be true.

The pregnancy test turned positive immediately - no need to wait three minutes for the results. I left it on the counter in the bathroom and went back several times during the day to check to see if it had suddenly turned negative - because they do that you know. Or not.

B was in meetings all day, so I couldn't get in touch with him to share the news. I had the whole day to sit and stew and cry. I finally was able to tell him late that afternoon, after our meeting to refinance our lake place. His reaction? "Holy f*ck, Wally!" Then he asked if I was sure he was the father. I kicked him in the shins. But since then he's been a rock. Every time I melt down in despair about having a fourth child when I can barely cope with three, he's there with reassurances that everything will be OK and we'll figure it all out together.

As much as I have joked in the past about wanting to have more babies, I didn't really mean it. I'm fine with three kids. Before we had Campbell, I insisted that someone was missing from our family. Once Campbell arrived, I felt like we were complete. There isn't anyone missing.

And all of these feelings of stress and anxiety make me feel even worse than the constant morning sickness. I mean, how can I not be excited about a new baby? I love babies. Babies are wonderful!

But I was so close to having that part of my life over with, and I was looking forward to it. I was going to have two whole mornings a week without children in the house. I was going to be able to get my hair cut or go to the dentist or go to work meetings without having to hire a sitter. I was going to be able to volunteer more at the girls' school without having to hire a sitter. I was counting down to the end of having diapers and sippy cups in the house.

Now I get to start all over.

All of those mixed emotions were compounded by the fact that I found out about the baby the same week my grandmother died. I fell apart one day when I realized I didn't get the chance to tell her that she was going to have a fourth great-grandbaby. My dear friend H consoled me by saying that my grandmother's spirit was whispering all sorts of secrets to the baby already. That just made me cry more.

We told the girls earlier this week. They did cartwheels around the kitchen while screeching with excitement. Ella kisses my belly several times a day and keeps asking when the baby will be big enough to hear her read stories to it. I'm trying to share their excitement, but it's hard.

I know that once they put that tiny, pink, screaming bundle in my arms I'll be just fine. I'll rejoice in the miracle that is a new baby.

I may not be able to rejoice until then, however. At least not until I stop feeling queasy and tired 24 hours a day.

Dr. Ferber, I salute you

I have been struggling for weeks with Campbell's sleep problems. He had gone from bad to worse in the course of a week - from waking up one time a night to every two hours Thursday night. Plus he's been waking up at 5:00 and refusing to go back to sleep. I felt like I was back in newborn phase. So I borrowed a page from Liz and did some research, pulling out books she had given me when Campbell was born. I had stashed them away thinking that being a mother of three I was seasoned enough to never need a baby book. Ha!

One book was by Sears, who wasn't helpful at all. He's a big proponent of letting babies sleep in bed with parents. I'm fine with that when they're tiny. Ella slept with us for her first three months - it was the only way she would sleep. But I wasn't about to put Campbell in bed with us at 10 months old. It seemed like that was a path that would just lead to more problems.

Another book had a table with information on all the different sleep training philosophies, from Ferber to Baby Whisperer to Baby Wise. The table was just what I needed. It gave a nice recap of Ferber, which I used with Ella and Lily with great success. It contained information I had forgotten - like increasing the time between visits to the crib by 5 minutes each time. It also reassured me that the baby wasn't going to calm down when I went in to check on him. I had been trying to do Ferber last week, but I kept getting freaked out that Campbell cried harder each time I went in. I thought I was doing something wrong. The book reassured me that it was normal for him to sound "possessed" while he was screaming.

Armed with this knowledge, I decided Friday night was the night. Campbell went to bed without a problem as usual, but then he woke up at 9:30. I knew he wasn't hungry, so I went in and patted him and talked to him for a few moments and left. I went back after 5 minutes, 10 minutes and 15 minutes. Each time he cried harder after I left him. I sat on the sofa, grinding my teeth in agony. But then, 10 minutes after my last visit and 10 minutes before I was supposed to go in again, Campbell stopped crying. The silence worried me. What if he had suffocated on his lovey? What if? What if? What if? B kept me from going in to check, and I went off to bed, so tired I was shaking.

The next thing I knew, it was 4 am and the dog was whining at the back bedroom door because it was pouring. I let her in and realized I hadn't been up with Campbell. I resisted the temptation to go check on him and went back to sleep. Campbell slept through until 6:30! That's the latest he's slept in weeks. And he woke up happy and chattering, rather than screaming, as usual.

Last night I put him down at 6:30 and crossed my fingers. He slept through until 6:30 again! Actually, that's not quite true. I heard him jabbering at one point over the monitor, but he didn't start crying and fell back asleep on his own.

Hallelujah.

So now I know he's capable of sleeping through, and I know that I can tough it out and do the Ferber method again if I need to. And I'm feeling more rested than I have in months and months.

Is it really too much to ask?

Really, is getting one good night's sleep too much to ask for? Campbell is just killing me with his sleep habits, and I don't know what to do. He doesn't really fit into any of the typical categories that baby experts write about.

Most nights he goes to sleep on his own without a problem. I nurse him until he's drowsy and pop him in his crib while he's still awake. I putter around in there for a minute, closing blinds and turning on his white-noise machine before closing the door. Sometimes he'll jabber or sqwak for a minute or two, but then he goes to sleep. Up until a month ago, he would sleep from 6:30 or 7:00 until about 4:30 without a problem. I didn't complain too much because he was sleeping for about 9 hours straight, even if they weren't the 9 hours I would have liked. He'd wake up, nurse and go back to sleep until about 7:30, which was perfect. This schedule allowed me to run at 5:30 and still have time to shower and get dressed before Campbell woke up.

But a month ago it all fell apart. I think he hit his 9-month growth spurt AND started teething all at the same time, which just caused so many problems.

He still goes to bed most nights without a problem, but now I have no idea how long he'll sleep and how many times he'll wake up in the night. Some nights he sleeps through. Some, like last night, he'll wake up twice. Each time he wakes up he nurses like he's starving, so I don't think it's a case of waking up and not knowing how to go back to sleep. Plus, he knows how to go to sleep on his own.

In addition to the middle of the night stuff, Campbell has now been waking up between 5:30 and 6:00 and refusing to go back to sleep. I nurse him and put him back in bed, hoping he'll go back to sleep, but he usually starts screaming after playing quietly for about 15 minutes. At that hour, I hate to let him scream it out because a. it doesn't work, and b. he wakes up the girls. Having one child awake at the crack of dawn is bad enough, three is awful.

So I'm stumped. Do I Ferberize him? Do I let him cry it out in the middle of the night? I've got to do something, though. I'm as tired now as I was when he was just weeks old. Suggestions anyone?