I've written before about how I can't seem to write funny, but I've been working, with varying degrees of success, on humorous pieces for the blog. I've managed to get questions posted over at Dear Frannie, and my rant about the Tooth Fairy garnered me more comments that I've ever gotten on a post - ever.
So as I was trying to fall back asleep at 1:30 this morning after being woken up by Campbell, I started writing a funny post in my head about how my family is conspiring to prevent me from ever getting a full night of sleep. It started like this:
9:00 - Fall asleep while reading in bed due to the after effects of a migraine.
9:15 - Get woken up by Lily and Ella, who arrive hand in hand to inform me that Lily's belly itches. I suggest maybe she has too much gack in her belly button and shoo them back to bed.
9:30 - Get woken up again by Lily and Ella, who arrive hand in hand to inform me that something is making scary noises on the front porch. I tell them it's just Grey Kitty and shoo them back to bed.
9:35 - Hear wailing from the girls' room and get up to investigate. Find both girls in the top bunk crying about said scary noises. Poke my head out the front door and confirm that it is indeed Grey Kitty chasing a leaf around. Inform girls of discovery and put them in separate bunks.
9:45 - Fall back asleep.
10:00 - Get woken up by Elizabeth, who wants to eat.
11:00 - Get woken up by B, who is finally home from a meeting with clients.
12:00 - Get woken up by Elizabeth, who wants to eat.
1:30 - Get woken up by Campbell, who starts crying every time he coughs. Give him a touch of cough syrup and a cup of water. Start drafting this post while trying to fall asleep.
3:00 - Get woken up by B.
And this is where I stop trying to be funny.
B has this weird thing with his heart where it decides to go haywire every once in a while and it gets out of rhythm. The first time it happened, we were in Lower Podunk, Louisiana, visiting his brother and sister-in-law. B woke me up to tell me he needed to go to the hospital. By the time we got to the ER, which was half a mile down the road - the only hospital for 40 miles, by the way - his heart rate was over 200 and he was having a hard time staying conscious. The ER nurses at first didn't believe him that he hadn't had any crystal meth or heroin and ran a tox screen on him.
The docs there tried several different medication that should have gotten his heart back into rhythm and lowered his heart rate, but none worked. I freaked out when they brought the crash cart into his room before administering one of the drugs. It ended up taking close to 12 hours to get his heart back to normal, and he spent 2 1/2 days in the hospital.
Last night his heart went haywire again. Fortunately, his heart rate didn't go through the roof, but his heart beat went arrhythmic and wouldn't settle back down after an hour. So he went to the award-winning heart hospital that is two miles from our house.
The docs gave him the medications that should have restored his heart's rhythm, but they didn't work. Finally, they had to to put him under twilight anesthesia and zap him with the defibrillator. I arrived at the hospital shortly after the procedure, while he was still loopy from the anesthesia. I was able to take him home at 11:00, and he's been asleep ever since.
It's been a long day here, but at least B is safe at home. Now if I can only get some sleep.
And I'll try for funny another time.