Wednesday, January 05, 2011

I’d rather have a broken leg (I think)

Fair warning – I’m a big old Cranky McCrankypants today. Elizabeth didn’t get to go back to school yesterday because she was sick. And lord dog, I needed her to go back to school. Then last night Campbell spiked a fever, so he’s home from school sick. And because he has to be fever free for 24 hours, he won’t be able to go to school tomorrow when Elizabeth does. It will be next Tuesday before I get a child-free morning.

Adding insult to injury, my course of steroids for asthma didn’t work, so I have to start over again. Which means I’m back to shaking like Paris Hilton’s chihuahua on meth, not sleeping, and having every joint in my body ache.

Last night I didn’t fall asleep until almost 1 and was then woken up at 3 by Elizabeth, who apparently just wanted to hang out and party because there was absolutely nothing wrong with her. She finally went to sleep at about 4, and I collapsed on the sofa, only to be woken up almost immediately by Campbell, whose fever had spiked to 102.5. I gave him some advil and tried to put him back in bed, but the only place he was happy was on top of me. We dozed together on the sofa until it was time to wake up the girls for school.

To say that I am not a happy camper today would be an understatement. So take all of this into account when you read the next part of this post, provided you’ve made it this far.

Last night, in between bouts with sick kids, I went out to dinner with a large group of running friends. It was one friend's birthday, and we pulled off the miracle of getting 20 of us together for a meal. I have known and run with a number of these people for more than a decade. We have been through marriages and divorces, births and deaths together. I count some of these women as my nearest and dearest friends.

But it was a miserable dinner.

Everyone asked how my running post-marathon was going, and when I said that I’d been sidelined for a week because of asthma, almost every one of them said, “Yeah, my allergies are bad, too.” At the beginning of the evening I’d try to explain that my problem was asthma, not allergies. That it is more than a stuffed up nose. That I can’t walk around the house without wheezing and coughing. That I can’t read my kids bedtime stories without running out of breath.

Then I gave up and just nodded. I didn’t want to be the boring, whiny person at the party.

But their comments and questions, which were genuinely well intentioned – I’m not upset with any of my friends -  just added fuel to the fire for the mean, nasty little voices in my head that have been plaguing me for the past week. These voices tell me that I should just man up and run already. They tell me that I should at least go to the gym and run very slowly on the treadmill. They tell me that I can’t call myself a runner anymore since I can’t manage to run even a few miles.

The little voices are very mean and very persistent, especially at 1am when I’m lying in bed, shaking from the prednisone.

In the middle of last night I found myself wishing I had some sort of visible illness or injury – a broken leg in a cast I could point to or a surgery incision – something definite and obvious. Even a fever would be better; at least that’s quantifiable. Instead, I just have this vague, I can’t breathe right malady.

And I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being tired and shaky. I’m tired of being cranky with my husband and my kids. I’m tired of shaking. I’m tired, tired, tired.

And cranky. And whiny.

I think I’d better go drink some hot tea and eat some chocolate.


Unknown said...

ack, been there. steroids make me hypersensitive and a bit paranoid too, that might be part of it.

Your life sucks right now huh? Don't you just want to hide under a blankie until it all goes away? I totally get it. hugs from afar.

donna said...

Nothing worse than having an undiagnosed illness...especially when everyone else in your house is sick too. Blah. Sending good health vibes your way.

Ann in NJ said...

I'm really surprised - most people are aware that asthma is more than just allergies. My sister-in-law has ended up in the hospital for a bad attack. Tell those little voices in your head to take a hike - you HAVE a defined illness that you are currently (unsucessfully) being treated for. You're taking drugs with big side effects because it's better than not taking the drugs - that classifies as "legitimate" in my book!

shrink on the couch said...

In a group of women as large as 20, I'm surprised anyone heard anything anyone was saying :)

Sorry they weren't listening and offering support. It really stinks when physical ailments prevent exercise. It just seems so counter-intuitive. Hope you feel better soon. Are the current allergens aggravating your asthma? (alliteration much?)

Hope the wellness bug hits your house and stays awhile.

ckh said...

It is not only your privilege but your right to complain and whine under those circumstances! Yikes! Awful all around!

Have you tried donettes? They're tasty. :)

I get through the crap by reminding myself that it's all temporary. And if you need me to kick some voices in the ass, just say the word.

Becky said...

Oh ick! Poor you. And please don't try to run. You falling over and dying isn't very good for your family, not to mention this blog.

Hope there is light and fresh air at the end of your tunnel soon.

Seamus O'Pine said...

You'e kinda cute when you're all cranky and whiny!

; )


Baino said...

AH sometimes a cathartic whinge is good for the soul. I know what you mean about asthma being 'invisible' though my daughter has had it for years and nobody really understands how debilitating it can be when you have a serious attack I'm surprised the prednisone isn't working, it's quite a wonder drug. You sure the aches and pains aren't something else?

jennyp said...

Ok, I was going to write this really sympathetic comment, and then I looked down and my word verification word is "blergh" which made me laugh out loud for some reason. I think blergh might actually describe your current situation really well!

Do take care of yourself! Breathing is kinda sorta important, I'm thinking, so get that taken care of before you worry about anything else.