Friday, June 29, 2012

To Hell and Back

A week ago, one of my good friends and former neighbors sent out a group e-mail announcing that they were spending two days at Schlitterbahn, did anyone want to join them. In a moment of sleep-deprived insanity, I sent the e-mail to B and asked if he thought I should take the kids. I figured he’d say “Are you kidding me? That place is expensive! We need blinds in the windows before we need to go there.” Instead, his reply was, “Sounds good. Have fun.”

He basically threw me under the bus.

Then I made the mistake of telling the kids about it. And once you tell kids about a trip to Schlitterbahn, there is no turning back. They spent the week singing the song from the commercial, and the big girls regaled Campbell with stories of HOWAWESOMEITISTOGOTHERE!

I decided to approach the trip calmly: I made plans for meeting our friends and parking, packed a cooler with food, and organized my pool bag. And it worked, at first. We rode rides, we met up with our friends right on schedule, we stayed together as a group, the little kids didn’t freak out. It was all mostly good. It was also hot and crowded. And we walked more than we rode. Did I mention it was hot and crowded? I get panicky in crowds and heat, especially when trying too keep my eye on four kids and five inner tubes, and I may have had some not very good moments, but I’m not saying.

As we went along, I mentally checked off items on my Schlitterbahn Bingo card:

  • Women with leathery skin and stretched out tattoos – check
  • Shirtless men with beer guts sitting in tubes scratching themselves – check
  • Walking proof that inbreeding is a bad thing – check
  • A toddler in the kid pool wearing a regular diaper seven times its normal size – check
  • Band aids in the pool – check
  • Teenage boys in packs acting like jackasses – check
  • Shrieking teen age girls who should be told that wearing a fringed bikini top is never a good idea – check
  • Giant fake boobs on display – check
  • T-shirts with horribly offensive drawings and slogans on them – check

But we survived, and the kids had a lot of fun. We all got Slushees and giant pretzels and finished the day absolutely waterlogged. I was so grateful that my neighbor and her family were there with us. They helped me keep track of everyone. Because of them, the big girls were able to go off and ride the big, fancy rides while I hung in the little kid pools with Campbell and Elizabeth. Campbell has decided he wants to live at Schlitterbahn. Shudder.

Now my kids can never ever say, “You never take us anywhere!” ever again. On the other hand, I think I’m going to get asked “When can we go back?” every half hour between now and the end of the summer.

No pictures. I deliberately took myself offline for the day and left my phone in the car. It was nice to be disconnected.


Becky Brown said...

Bwah ha ha! Your checklist of offensive sights sounds like a drinking game just waiting to happen. Glad you survived ... Surely you scored triple karma points for this excursion.

shrink on the couch said...


Geesh, always the ruin of a good time at The Bahn, the fight over dippin' dots. No amount of reality testing can deter kids from lusting after the almighty dots. By reality testing I mean pointing out other kids' melted dots - that they all melt in this heat and within a few seconds you're back to plain jane ice cream.

tia said...

Ha! Bingo Blackout! Saw all those things and MORE. Enjoying your blog. ("Tia" is your neighbor, btw.)

Susan said...

Glad you survived and actually had a bit of fun on this outing. The waterparks came about after my kids were older so I didn't have the issue of watching out after the various ages - it is difficult.

ckh said...

Sounds like crazy fun. You have a way of calling attention to all the things that scare me!


My kids were jealous. Their grandmother took them there once and they loved it.

Alexandra said...

Me, too.

THe getting away and disconnecting while with family.

We just went to a water park for 1/2 a week, and no phone, no nothing: just face time and it felt good to sit and talk with my family.

The beauty of time away.