Monday, May 23, 2011

Another difficult post

In the past week I’ve admitted to myself, my husband and a handful of friends that I’m still not doing well, depression-wise. After a grim March and part of April, I had started to feel more like myself at the end of April. I had done up on the dosage of my anti-anxiety meds; the weather was wonderful; I was getting back into the swing of things with running. One day I even caught myself singing aloud in the car. B and the kids had even noticed a difference.

But a few weeks ago I cratered again, and now I’m barely holding it together. Most days the only reason I get out of bed is because there are four short people relying on me to feed them and dress them and get them out the door.

My energy level is zero. I have no interest in things I usually love – like knitting and reading and running. And I find myself again counting the hours until I can go back to bed. I barely leave the house – I missed the preschool carnival because I couldn’t handle the idea of making small talk with people. Yesterday I went to a runners’ group event and had a hard time not crying while trying to talk to people. Then I went home feeling like a complete and total failure.

There’s nothing major that has spurred this. The kids have all been relatively healthy (knock on wood), and work has been going well. B’s business has picked back up to the point that he is slammed, but he’s still been really helpful the past few weeks. I’m still going to counseling with a therapist I like, even if she is a little tree-hugging at times.

We do have the stress of the whole moving process. One of the ducks that we needed to get in a row wandered off and got blown up two weeks ago, so we’re in limbo with that again. But I’ve been able to largely put that aside. Being in limbo means I don’t actually have to do anything.

All I can come up with at this point is that my medication needs adjusting – I either need to go up in my dose or try something else. I’m calling today with for an appointment with a doctor (I can never remember whether it’s psychologist or psychiatrist) who can hopefully get me on something that will help.

In the meantime, if you don’t hear from me, it’s because I’m hunkered down, trying to keep myself together. 


Bejewell said...

It does sound to me like you've got some kind of chemical or hormonal imbalance going on. A change to your meds might work wonders. So sorry you're suffering through this. Thinking of you. XOXO

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

I totally relate. Just had to have my medications adjusted again. It's a moving target, for sure. Here's hoping your psychiatrist can help you iron it all out. I'd be a mess without mine. It's no failure to have a brain problem, it's just a medical thing.
Hang in there.

Unknown said...

Been there several times. I wish I was closer had could step in ad help. Just know that there are people out here, even people who have never met you, that care and totally get it.

Barb Matijevich said...

What Becca said. And also, please be kind to yourself.

joanna said...

Crud. It stinks to know that you're suffering, but I'm glad to read that you're seeking out solutions. You're pretty darn amazing so hang in there. Your virtual support tag team is ready for anything.

Liz @ ewmcguire said...

Hunker down if you need to, but don't forget to come up for air...that's good for you too.

I hope the doctor finds the perfect dosage. You deserve to feel better.

anymommy said...

I'm thinking of you and hoping that you find the energy to keep pushing until the doctor finds a dosage that helps you. xo.

Alexandra said...

I'm having a rough time myself right now.

Don't withdraw...even if you want to.

It's connection that keeps thins in perspective for you.

Visit, post, tweet...anything to not fall into the hole that depression makes it so easy to do.

Believe me, make yourself connect.

Even if it is so hard: FIGHT BACK.

It's not a character flaw. It's depression. I've hd it all my life.

But do your best to make yourself connect.

It's hard work...but meds and sleep, and exercise and daily contact with SOMEONE make all the difference in the world.

Esp. those who can listen without those of us in the same rocky boat.

Baino said...

Oh Heather, I'm sorry to hear it. I get low but nothing like that and I can't really imagine what it's like. Definitely check the meds, perhaps it will pass, perhaps it's a moving project you need as a goal or distraction. Perhaps I haven't a clue what I'm talking about but I wish you well. And soon

Anonymous said...

Get the meds checked, yes, but you might also want to get a physical if you haven't had one in a while. Something else might be throwing your chemistry out of whack, rather than the stress. It could also be the stress, so cover all bases. And get it done! Don't make me come down there - I'd probably bring my curse with me and make it worse! :-)

Ann in NJ said...

I'm glad to hear you're seeking help - all medicines require adjustment and sometimes it takes a while.

Remember that having your brain chemistry out of wack is a chronic disease just like diabetes or lupus. There is no failure involved, despite how we feel!

Becca said...

Well, that sucks. I don't have anything helpful to add other than to send a bloggy hug.

Holly said...


You need a week or two in the Adirondacks. I'll come visit :)

ckh said...

I'm thinking of you and sending you warm and fuzzy thoughts. I agree that no matter what, connect. It's human contact that will bring you comfort right now - even if you don't feel like it.

Becky said...

Oh Sweetie. I'm so sorry I didn't see this post until now.
I have since subscribed to your posts so this won't happen again.

I'm here if you need me. I know you are doing better but I'm just an email away.