Monday, November 26, 2012

The Perfect Christmas Gifts

I love Christmas catalogs - love, love, love. I love them more than infomercials and the "As Seen On TV" aisle at the CVS. I never buy any of the stuff, because I don't want to be seen carrying something silly out of the store. (Well, there was the shakeweight, but we won't talk about that.)

Since we moved, I haven't gotten any Christmas catalogs. It turns out, they've all be going to my mother-in-law's house, where we briefly forwarded our mail in between the rental and our new house.

On Saturday, my mother-in-law delivered all the junk mail that had accumulated over the past few weeks, including a pile of Christmas catalogs. I was in heaven.

I spent most of the evening gasping and texting pictures to my mom and sister, threatening to buy them the items for Christmas.

Here are some of my "OMFG what the hell were they thinking" gifts.

Light-up Thomas Kinkade Bannerettes - buy two because he's dead and they are extra collectible.

I actually have family members for whom this would be a good gift. I'm looking at you, Uncle T.

Bottles not included. I suppose you'd have to drink 8 bottles of wine to think this was a good idea.

I just can't even. A shower curtain with deer. So you can take target practice while washing your hair?

Well, we are in Texas. 

B, Ella and I all think these are awesome. But we all also agree that Campbell would be on his way to the ER about 15 minutes after opening them. 

Faux jeans with faux rips and faded spots. 

This was actually the one that started it all. I threatened to the monkey and all the outfits to my sister. Shockingly, Ella didn't want one either. 

Faux jeans for the ladies. 

Nothing says "Klassy with a K" like wine in a shoe.

I sent this one to my friend Amy just in case she needed a gift idea for her husband. She asked if it came with a flap. I'm guessing yes.

In case you can't read the caption, you put these on the dash of your car (or truck) and they spin when you stop, start or turn. I just can't even. Who thinks of these things?

People out here in the suburbs take yard decorations very seriously. But I think these might be against deed restrictions. 

Because nothing says Christmas like gnarly zombie feet.

Happy shopping everyone.


Unknown said...

wow! Just, wow. But those faux jeans...gotta have 'em!

Ann in NJ said...

My daughter actually has faux jeans! In her defense, they were part of a costume for her dance recital last year - she dances street hip hop (it's the child of breakdancing from the 80's and they teach it in dance schools now). She wears them as pajama pants and around the house when she's feeling slouchy. They're surprisingly convincing. From a distance.

knittergran said...

For the sake of all that is holy (not faux holey, like the jeans), step away from the catalog.

shrink on the couch said...

I am on the wrong mailing lists. These are hilarious! Those dashboard girly twirliest? Gag gift written all over them! Great post!

Runner Dude said...

Hey, we always had a copy of the Shooter's Bible in the house growing up.

Susan said...

At first I didn't recognise any of the items, but then we got into mutual catlog territory. Seriously gave a second look at the Zombie slippers as a gag gift for my daughter...

B in Austin said...

Runner Dude,

One can go outside our little slice of suburbia here in Dripping in any direction (and even inside our hood, but probably to a lessor degree) and find on any random master bedside table: a copy of the Shooter's Bible, The Bible and a loaded .45. That is if you could make to the master without getting shot, which you can't, because there were Remington 12 and 20 gauge shotguns, an obligatory Glock, and a full-auto AK in the unlocked gun cabinet in the living room.

All within arms reach of at least one guy watching Discovery Channel's show, "Preppers," and pulling his 2nd cold one from the cooler opposite the guns. No worries there! This guy can't even shoot straight without 6 in him, and he's just hitting his stride at 8 beers.

I'm not making this up entirely, my Grandmother Gardner slept with 1940's G.I. issued .45 fully loaded with explosive rounds and both Bibles. And frequntly warned the grandkids when our parents were out of earshot not to come sneaking in her house at night. "Make lots of noise when you come in saying who you are if you want to see morning," she would say.

And growing up here, I can't count all the friends and friends of friends with something like the gun cabinet/beer set up above in hundreds of hunting cabins, sure. But also in plenty of living rooms all over our finely manicured subdivision.

So if Heather would just let me get one small gun, then I would need a copy of the Shooter's Bible first thing, and this looks like a good price!

AiringMyLaundry said...

Haha I love Lakeside. They have such odd stuff!!

nice said...

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